Thanksgiving Blunder!

Since it is Thanksgiving here in America, we would like to talk about the lack of common sense that always seems to creep up during the holiday season. Before we get to the story, we would like to make a shout out to the Colorado Rapids for winning the MLS Cup. For those of you who don't know what that stands for, it stands for Major League Soccer. Wooohoooo!!!!!

Here we go and prepare to laugh!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Now, I don't know about you but when we were in kindergarten, we learned that mammals give live birth and reptiles and birds lay EGGS. In fact, we both distinctly remember as little kids seeing a birds nest, looking inside and seeing little round things called "eggs." Then one day going back to the nest, looking in and seeing three little featherless babies chirping their heads off. So it is to my shock and dismay that an adult was distraught over having cooked a "pregnant" turkey.

These turkeys have more common sense than some human beings!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Until next time,

Zozo and Leggy J

csaintsc@gmail.com

Story: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977490169
Comic: Farside

Red means STOP!

For this weeks story I would like to reiterate the importance of not rushing to get where you need to be. Also, I would like to make a point in stating that driving is a privilege and not a right and therefore, common sense should tell you that there are some things that you really shouldn't do while driving!

As I was on my way to Boulder to visit a friend, I was in the left turn lane to enter the highway. The people who are making a right turn to enter the high way have a yield sign. Now to my understanding once I get the green left arrow, I get to turn and the people making a right have to stop and yield to me. Well, let me tell you! As I am making my left turn, on my GREEN ARROW, this “special” person, who probably thinks they have the right of way because they are especially important, continues on making their right turn like they didn’t even see the light change forcing me to slam on my brakes. This has happened to me multiple times by your Average Joe, but this person in particular must have been a "special" kind of "special."

Now when things like that happen, I know I should just blow it off. But I am sooooo annoyed that yet another dumb dumb has infected the gene pool. As I pass this "special" person I give them a complete, total, 100% focused on them, burn a hole through your forehead, "Yes, I'm glaring at you" stare down. Call it what you will. I hear “road rage” is quite expressive for this kind of behavior, plus it’s only a harmless stare. It’s not like I am going to ram into the side of their car like some poorly written, cop with a bad mustache 1960’s street race movie. So as I pass this "special" person I notice it's a female and she is putting on her make-up while driving down the highway like nothing happened, giving us all a bad wrap for being bad drivers. It appeared she was in a hurry, yet didn't care if she caused an accident, potentially killing someone. Putting on make-up is clearly more important than someone’s life, especially mine. Since she lacks common sense, my advice to her and to others who lack it, leave a little earlier so you can do your make-up at your destination or give yourself enough time to do it before you leave, because life is way more important than trying to make yourself at least a 7. My only hope is that when she does get in an accident, that the police officers and EMTs are hot, and they will think she looks hot, because after all, she did her make-up cruising down the highway at 85mph.

Feel free to email us with your personal stories, pictures and or quotes at csaintsc@gmail.com

Until next time,
Zozo and Leggy J

"I can never fear that things will go far wrong where common sense has fair play" - Thomas Jefferson

Round 2...

As we mentioned last week, over the coming weeks we will be looking back at the past Darwin awards. Here is 2008...

Third Place, Pining Away:

Rare Double Darwin!

Three hale and hearty young men had finished their basic training. Before heading out to their respective assignments, they decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, who lived in the town where they had completed basic training. The privates descended upon Grandmother, who filled them with home cooking and gave them soft beds to sleep in. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night. How could they repay her for her kindness?

Grandmother had three children. To commemorate the birth of each child, a pine tree had been planted in the front yard. In the fifty years since the last tree was planted, the pines had grown considerably, and the middle tree now blocked the view from the living room window. The privates decided that they would cut down that tree, letting the sun and the view into the room.

A case of beer went into the planning. (Just a side note: I have a sneaking suspicion that many stories start like this, or end, depending on how you look at it.)

To keep the 50-foot tree from crushing the house, the privates reasoned that they would tie a rope to the top of the tree and pull the rope away from the house as the tree was cut. The middle pine tree, the doomed one, was slightly closer to the house than the other two. The privates climbed an end tree, wound a rope through its upper branches, and threw the rope to a private in the middle tree. He tied the rope around the trunk. By this device, they could pull the rope from the ground. The middle pine tree would fall away from the house, and the privates were also clear of the path of the falling tree. Climbing a pine tree is very sappy work, and scrapes and gouges are inflicted by the natural roughness of its bark. But the hale and hearty privates completed the preliminaries without complaint. The middle tree was lassoed and levered by the rope running through the end tree. So far, so good.

Two privates were situated on the ground, each straining to pull the tree away from Grandmother's house. The third private revved his 20 HP chainsaw and started to cut. Lo and behold, the tree actually fell away from Grandmother's house! However...The rope-pulling privates had wrapped the rope around their waists, not considering that the falling pine weighed several tons. As the middle pine tree fell, both privates were ripped off their feet and smashed through the branches of the end pine tree. At the height of their acceleration, they broke through the top branches of the tree, and were briefly airborne before being jerked toward the earth when the middle tree hit the ground. The privates entered into Darwin history, either on the way up through the branches or on the way down to the cold, hard ground. The event spoke for itself.

The runner-up, Boner!

(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and his dog found a deer leg bone!

The man tried to take the bone away, but like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure. He stayed just out of reach. Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries. He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion!

At least he didn't hit the dog.

And the winner, Priest Visits Boss:

(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean) A Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a helium host of party balloons, paying homage to Lawnchair Larry's aerial adventure. In 1982, Lawnchair Larry attached 45 weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether--but instead of drifting above Los Angeles as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of the balloons! Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight, inspiring the movies Up! and Deckchair Danny, and Adelir Antonio, 51.

This priest's audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight was intended to publicize his plan to build spiritual rest stops for truckers. But as truckers know, sitting for 19 hours is not a trivial matter even in the comfort of your own lawn chair. The priest did take numerous precautions, including wearing a survival suit, flying a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and GPS. However, the late A.A. made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help--but rescuers were unable to determine his location since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the charge on the cellphone dwindled and died.

Instead of a GPS, the Priest let God be his guide.

Over the next few weeks, bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches, indicating that God had guided him straight to heaven. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he had indeed paid a visit to his boss. The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since priests voluntarily remove themselves from the genepool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice!

Two Double Darwin's in the top three, classic. Although, could someone please explain the title of the runner-up?

Until Next Time,
Zozo and Leggy J
csaintsc@gmail.com

 

"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done." - Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe

Common Sense Note to Self

Number one pet peeve, okay not number one but really high on the list...coming to a complete and total stop on the highway. I'm talking 0mph, I could put the car in park, I'm not going anywhere.

This has happened on several of my drives northbound I-25, Lincoln to Orchard. I understand that at 7:30 am we are all trying to get where we are going and no one wants to be late. But what I don't understand is the incessant rudeness of some people. For example, riding my bumper is a sign that you would like to be going faster than said slow pace, because like a fool, you left late. Not my fault, however, in traffic I cannot go faster. I cannot get out of the way. There is nothing you can do to make anyone go faster, so stop with the rectal exam already! Another example, it's a proven fact that weaving in and out of traffic does not get you where you are going any faster, so pick a freaking lane. I'm fairly certain that if I notice you right behind me, get over one lane, and then proceed to try to get back over in front of me, I'm not letting you in. It's one car. You will live. You will not get there any faster than if you were behind me. And now, the queen gem of my morning drive....merging. Now I'm one to always let people over. As aforementioned, we are all trying to get where we are going. No one is on the road at 7:30 am rush hour just to "create more traffic." That is not the time of day one chooses for a joy ride. So like a good and patient person, I allow others to merge on and off the highway. I expect the same courtesy. Which brings me to my story...

Like so many of us, this fine Thursday morning I was running late. I had just made my morning tea, only to realize that both of my tumblers were dirty and in the dishwasher. Grabbing the first mug from the cabinet, I filled up and was out the door. Knowing I was already going to be a few minutes late, I still went slow and allowed people to merge, because like I said, I'm not getting there any faster by being a jerk on the road. I would venture to say that I was most likely being a bit overcautious this drive, as not wanting to spill my tea was high priority. About half way through my tea I am now only one exit away from work. When out of nowhere, the left lane, comes some SUV (who is more important than me, going somewhere more important than me) who throws on their blinker and moves on over into my lane. Before I know what's happening I am forced to SLAM on my brakes...tea e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. All over my pants, shirt, steering wheel, even makes it to the windshield. I suppose it's alright though because no one was hurt, no accident. (yes, that was sarcasm) And let's not forget, the SUV did use their blinker, so everything is hunky dory. No harm, no foul, except that I have tea all over my pants, shirt, steering wheel and the windshield.

*Common sense note to self, no matter how late you are running, always, ALWAYS take the time to wash the tumbler. So when idiot SUV decides they just have to cut you off, tea stay safely contained and clothes and car stay dry.

Lesson learned. For those of you wondering, I no longer take the highway. Quebec all the way. So when I stop, it's at a light and not because people don't know how to drive in rush hour. My blood pressure thanks me for this.

Until next time,
Zozo and Leggy J
csaintsc@gmail.com 

And the Award Goes to...

We’d like to take this opportunity to begin looking at the Darwin Awards. A genius idea in our humble opinions. “The Darwin Awards commemorate the improvement of the human species by honoring those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. (The Award is generally bestowed posthumously.) After fifteen years of fatal reports, Darwin Awards insiders no longer stand on rolling chairs near windows, disable safety features on common household tools, nor wire electricity in the rain. Read these stories--for safety's sake!" –Wendy Northcutt, www.darwinawards.com

The following story, Crushing Debt, is the winner of 2009:

Double Darwin!

(26 September 2009, Belgium) The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bank robbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.

Robber One was rushed to the hospital with severe head trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially assumed that his accomplice had managed a getaway, but the second burglar's body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later. Would-be Robbers One and Two weren't exactly impoverished--their getaway car was a BMW. Comments from the readers:

"Dynamite: not for everything."
"Less is certainly more."
"Debit cards are safer."
"They really blew it..."
"Extreme Self Banking"

Here is the 2009 runner-up, Double Dip:

(3 June 2009, North Carolina) Greensboro was inundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours, stranding several cars on flooded roads. Rosanne T., 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she "possibly had a beer," according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to say, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine." North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped.
Ms. T. had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction. The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Rosanne's path home. But she rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.

He then interviewed the woman, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. When the officer returned to his patrol car to call for assistance, Rosanne took the opportunity to escape--by jumping back into the creek! The officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late. The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing."

And my personal favorite from 2009, Muffled Explosion:

(10 January 2009, Pennsylvania) An embarrassed and seriously injured 17-year-old initially claimed that an explosive had been planted in his backpack by persons unknown. However, police investigators soon extracted the truth from the feckless teen.

He found an M-80 explosive at his grandmother's house, took it to his room to examine it, and began to repeatedly light and extinguish the fuse. During one of these cycles the fuse would not go out, so he jammed the red cardboard tube between his thighs and covered it with his hand to muffle the explosion. This plan was less successful than he had hoped. Commonly thought to be a quarter stick of dynamite, M80's (according to pyrouniverse.com) actually contain flash powder rather than TNT, and only 1/50 the amount--just under 3 grams. Used by the U.S. Military to simulate grenade explosions, M80's were outlawed in 1966 under the Child Protection Act. They are not safe enough to be detonated by the average man on the average street, let alone by the average 17-year-old. One loud KABOOM! later, our junior pyrotechnics specialist had lost his right hand, right leg, and--very likely--his right to reproduce, earning him a living Darwin Award.

Wow, I'm practically speechless. The thought process of this guy was to put a stick of dynamite between his legs to muffle the sound? I suppose that sounds reasonable except for the fact that it's dynamite between your legs! I'd like to send him a thank you, as he has proved that he should NOT be having children, and now he can't. Unfortunately I can't say the same to his parents for producing a child and not teaching him that dynamite between your legs is a bad idea. Over the coming weeks we will continue to look at past Darwin Awards, in anticipation for the 2010 awards. Somehow with these people removed from the gene pool, the stories keep rolling in, thus proving that stupidity finds a way.

Until next time,

Zozo and Leggy J

"Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!" - George Carlin

Ladder.......What's that?

My temporary (hopefully) time working in retail has really opened my eyes. I can truly distinguish between the capable and the dense. I'm not talking about just the customers that come into the store that don't know how to do basic math, but some of my co-workers really have illustrated the stupidity that has influenced Zozo and I to start this blog.

Let's get to it.

While I realize that you don't need a college degree to work in retail, I would hope that people have some type of brain capacity to do simple tasks; like being able to find an item in the back room that isn't currently out on the floor. Which brings me to my story. I have to give this co-worker credit, she was able to locate an item in the back room. However, all the credit I gave her went out the window after what she had asked me. After finishing my main project in the back room early, I decided I would re-organize the mess that my wonderful co-workers generously left me. On a side note I’d like to give you some info on the back room. There are racks called "lundias." Lundias are 15 foot mobile devices that contain upper and lower levels of shelves and racks that hold back stock of clothing and accessories. At the end of these lundias are four, yes I said FOUR ladders! Back to the story, as I was refolding the messed up piles of shirts, my co-worker comes to the back room to look for a size. She locates it on the upper rack. Now my next thought would be to go get a ladder, get the size down and take it out to the customer. Does she do this? Nooo, she comes up to me and asks, "How do I get up to the top shelves to get that jacket down?" Pause. I just stared at her. I was so dumbfounded by her question that the image of myself with my jaw dropped to the floor looking at her expressionless popped into my mind. As I snapped back to reality, in a monotone voice I said to her, "get a ladder."

Imagine someone standing next to a pencil sharpener and asking how to sharpen their pencil. Standing next to a ladder, you ask how to get to a high point. I think the only thing that would have topped off this little gem would be if she asked how to use a ladder. I’m not sure what else to do other than shake my head. Good ol’ retail. Can’t live without it, can’t shoot it.

"Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed." - Don Wood

Until next time,
Zozo and Leggy J


Quote: http://www.best-quotes-poems.com/common-sense-quotes.html